


To Hide Thine Eyes

by Alteran_Tech



Series: Subtly different [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, First Time, M/M, Mental Health Issues, My First Fanfic, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-29
Updated: 2014-06-29
Packaged: 2018-02-06 16:44:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1865121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alteran_Tech/pseuds/Alteran_Tech
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A different Rodney and John meet. Rodney has issues, but don't we all?</p><p>(I'm terrible at summaries. Also the suicide attempt takes place long before the story does and is not very graphic when mentioned, so please don't let that put you off of it.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Hide Thine Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> So… this just came out of me in the course of a week and I didn’t get any of my homework done just to write this. (I skipped work once too.) It’s my first attempt at writing something this big and it probably shows. I’m actually an aspiring writer despite what this thing reads like. It’s chockfull of in-jokes and quips that no one but me (and maybe some avid readers of things that aren’t fanfiction and also avid gamers) will understand, but despite all of that, I wanted to share it and like ripping off a Band-Aid, I posted it as soon as I was done and I’m hoping for the best. This is the Un-betaed and confusing trip through the mind of a very different Rodney. John is a little ooc too for reasons that will be revealed near the end. They say write what you know and this is what I know. Yes, before anyone asks, I do indeed have the same disorders as Rodney, but I’m not as bad now. (If you look close enough, you’ll notice that Rodney is also a little obsessive compulsive. That is also a bit of me shining through.) For some reason though, John’s part came out of left field and I didn't know I was going to write it until I did. *shrug* Oh well, I hope you like it anyway.
> 
> (Side note: Over 2,000 words of this is shameless porn that I’m ridiculously happy about. It was my first time writing porn and I love how it turned out. As anything, it could be better, but I think it’s the best part of the whole fic, which tells you how disappointed I am with the rest of it.)

Rodney sat at the back of the bus, nestled in his safe corner and far away from the other people going about their business. He didn’t know why he subjected himself to the near physical pain that came with the little trip, but his therapist, hack that she was, thought it was good for him to get out in the world. He thought she was just as crazy as him.

He slid further down in his seat and hid behind the laptop balanced precariously on his knees, hoping it would deter anyone that thought it was a good idea to converse with him. He was close to hyperventilating as it was and didn’t want to risk a trip to the hospital if he happened to pass out. He’d had enough of that place as a kid with his allergies.

The bus rolled to a stop and he almost lost his computer and what little progress he’d made in the process. Realizing it was his stop, he stored up all the courage he had and gathered his things.

Stepping off the bus into the crowded street racketed up his terror, and he fled, jogging to the entrance of his therapist’s office. He could swear he felt their eyes on the back of his neck.

He entered the lobby, sat down in one of the uncomfortable chairs, breathing hard, and wished he was someone else.

*****************************

He sat on the sofa, fidgeting around to find a comfortable position. The thing needed to be replaced and soon, he thought as one of the springs bit into his ass. His hands started to sweat and he wiped them on his pants legs, feeling, not for the first time, that he was pathetic. At least he was getting better. Only two years before, he hadn’t even been able to leave his house at all.

He glanced at Teyla out of the corner of his eye, waiting for her to say something. She had always done that, sat there hoping he would start one of their painful and stilted conversations. Yeah, good luck with that.

She sighed, finally realizing that he wasn’t going to talk, “Good morning, Rodney. May I ask what you been doing this last week?” 

“I went to the mall.”

He caught her normally serene face brighten as he looked over her shoulder. Smiling wider than he had ever seen her, she asked, “How did you fare?”

It was going to rain, he thought looking out the window. He found it easier, if only slightly, to talk to people if he didn’t look them in the eye. “I didn’t make it inside.”

“Oh.” He could hear all her disappointment in that one syllable, but when she continued on, her voice was as calm as ever, “What transpired?”

Screwing his eyes shut against the remembered anxiety, he choked out, “I couldn’t do it. There were people everywhere, talking, yelling, pouring out of the place and I couldn’t think. I felt like they were all staring at me. I just turned around, got back on the bus, and went home.”

“Have you done anything else this past week, Rodney?” She was trying to change the subject, he could tell.

“I stayed home. Jeannie came by to say hello.” He added as an afterthought, his breathing slowing to some semblance of normal.

“What did you two talk about?” She asked, as if Jeannie and he didn’t talk every week.

He sighed, thinking about his sister, the only person he was comfortable enough around to be himself, “She helped me with one of my reviews. The latest IPhone.”

“And how did that go?”

“It sucked.” He peeked through his eyelashes when she hadn’t said anything for a good minute. At the sight of her raised eyebrow, he thought back to what he said. “Oh! The visit didn’t suck, the phone did. Apple’s not going to like what I have to say.”

She sighed again, and Rodney had the thought that she did that a lot in their sessions, “You know Rodney, I have read your… blog and I must say that you seem more…” She paused, picking out the right words, “true to yourself, more open if you will, when you write. Would it be so terrible if you were like that always?”

Rodney didn’t have to even think about his answer, “Yes.”

It had never turned out as good in real life as it did online.

********************************

Someone was in his seat. There was a man in his seat. Rodney couldn’t see much of him except for a tuft of dark unruly hair and he was in Rodney’s seat. Someone jostled him from behind and he jumped. He didn’t like it when people he didn’t know thought they could touch him, but it seemed to kick start his brain and he hurried to the back of the bus, clutching his bag tightly to his chest.

He sat down in the seat opposite from normal, squeezing in, back to the corner so he could see everyone over his laptop monitor, just like he always did. Except it wasn’t. It was all backwards, in reverse, and Rodney tried to stop the little mantra in his head of ‘not right, not right’.

Pulling his laptop out quickly, he opened it to give the impression of busy, busy, busy, so that the guy (the thief) didn’t try to talk to him or anything stupid like that.

It didn’t seem to be working. Rodney could see the man (the dirty seat stealing bastard) staring at him. The guy smiled at him when he caught Rodney looking his way.

“Hi, I’m John.”

No, just no. He couldn’t deal with this today, not after everything else he’d been through. One conversation was enough for one day, thank you very much. And plus, he didn’t chat with criminals, or really anybody but that was beside the point.

The guy’s, John’s apparently, smile wavered, and Rodney couldn’t help the flinch. “Hey, you alright there, buddy?”

Rodney turned away. It might seem rude, but he didn’t care if it saved what was left of his resolve. He had to get home quick or there was no doubt in his mind that he’d cause a scene. That was the last thing he wanted to do. Drawing any attention to himself only made it worse.

He heard John huff, surprisingly loud over the racket of the bus engines, “Fine, try to be nice, meet people, and this is what you get.”

They rode in silence until it was Rodney’s stop. He didn’t look twice at the guy as he made his way off the bus, practically sprinting through the rain to the safety of his apartment.

He heaved a sigh of relief as he locked the door behind him. Bending down to pick up the little ball of fur winding itself between his legs and holding it tight, he made his way to the living room, flopping down on the couch. He didn’t care if he was getting it wet.

He pushed a pile of boxes out of his way, wincing as something fell and broke. He chose to ignore it for now and put his feet up on the coffee table.

“What have you been up to, Poe?” The tabby blinked up at him, whiskers twitching.

“Nothing much I see.” Rodney scratched him behind his ears and enjoyed the sound of purring as it filled the room. “So what’s on the agenda today? We could finish that review on that new Blu-ray player. Maybe watch some mindless action movies while we’re at it?” Yeah, he could do with something mindless, something to distract him from his racing heart.

*********************************

The next week brought much the same, writing his scathing, yet apparently hilarious reviews (according to his readers) in his free time, which was most of the time. Jeannie called him on Tuesday, like usual, just so she could know he was still alive and hadn’t tripped and fell in the shower, only to have a starving Poe eat him as he decomposed. (Her words not his.)

Now it was Friday again and he was trying to head home from another disastrous appointment with his therapist, but that guy was in his seat again. If he was anyone else- though he really didn’t like to fool himself into thinking he would be any different with another body- he would have yelled at the guy to move his skinny ass out of Rodney’s seat and plunk it down somewhere far away.

He sighed, knowing it was something he’d probably never do, and made his way to the back, pulling out his laptop as he went.

As soon as he was seated, he glanced up warily, wondering if the guy was going to try to talk to him again. John was bobbing his head, looking out the window, as he listened to something in his headphones. He either didn’t notice Rodney was there or was purposely ignoring him. Rodney didn’t mind either way, as long as he wasn’t bothered. He focused on his work, and tried to pretend he was safe at home with only Poe there to judge him.

“Oh hey, I didn’t see you there.” Apparently it wasn’t meant to be, thought Rodney as he looked up through the dark blonde hair hanging in his face. It was starting to curl at the ends and he’d have to ask Jeannie to cut it next time she came by. Though maybe he’d keep it, it might help him hide.

The guy went on as if nothing was wrong with Rodney not answering him, “So I figure you’re either really rude or mute. Personally I’m going with mute. I’m an eternal optimist, glass half full and all that shit. I have to be.” Rodney heard the rustling of clothes, probably John putting away his IPod. “So, I figured I’d do all the talking for us.”

Rodney tried to keep his eyes on his laptop as John continued on, “I’m John Sheppard, but I think I mentioned that last time we met. I go to college here and just moved to be closer to my job. Do you attend college?”

Rodney shook his head, glancing over John’s shoulder and willing the bus to go faster. It was probably another ten minutes to his apartment and he didn’t know if he could make it before he started freaking the fuck out.

He just didn’t know what to do in these situations. What was he supposed to say? People never made sense to him, which was too bad because they were _everywhere._ That was sort of his problem, wasn’t it? Well, one of them anyway.

The guy continued on as if Rodney had spoken, “I’m going for a degree in mathematics, maybe something to do with physics after that.”

That drew Rodney’s attention like nothing else could. It was one of his secret passions. Computers and physics made sense like nothing else did and he dreamed of the day where he was stable enough to go to school to get a doctorate. Actually sit in a crowded room and not pass out from fright.

“Ah. See, was it so hard to look me in the face?”

Yeah, yeah it kind of was, but wow, John was hot. Perfect in a way Rodney couldn’t put into words, even in his own head. John had the most beautiful hazel eyes he had ever seen, tanned skin only making them more astonishing. The guy’s silly hair made him even sexier, if that was even possible. Rodney’s breath caught in his throat as he looked his fill. Shaking himself from his fantasies of John holding him as they kissed, he quickly looked the other way and hoped he hadn’t embarrassed himself.

“Hey, you okay?”

No, no he wasn’t. His breath was coming quick and shallow, and it was getting hard to think. Millions of different things clamoring around in his mind, screaming at him to flee, telling him that he was useless, didn’t deserve to be there, wasn’t good enough, wasn’t right enough to have this perfect person even notice him, let alone speak to him.

He needed to get the hell out of there now, before he made an even bigger ass of himself.

The bus came to a stop just in time and Rodney didn’t even bother to put his laptop back in his bag before he grabbed his stuff and hightailed it out of there.

He made it all the way to his door, digging in to his bag for his key, before the panic attack hit him like a ton of bricks. He curled up on the stoop and held his knees to his chest, rocking himself as he tried to breathe.

Oh god, he was going to die of asphyxiation before he ever did anything. No doctorate, no winning the Nobel prize, and no ever being close enough to anyone to actually have a life with them. That might be the one he regretted most. Sometimes, when he let himself reflect on it, he realized his life was so damn lonely. He just didn’t know what to do with other people to get them to stay.

“Oh Jesus. Hey, what’s wrong? What can I do?” Rodney had been so set on getting home, lost in his thoughts, that he hadn’t even realized John had followed him.

Rodney shook his head franticly, flailing out his hand to grab his key. He just wanted to get inside, where it was safe and quiet, and no one tried to make him do or say anything he didn’t want to.

“Okay, okay, just a moment.” John snatched up the key with shaking hands and unlocked the door. Bending down, he put an arm around Rodney, and ignoring his frantic attempts to get away, John lugged him through the door. He set Rodney carefully down on the couch and sat next to him, hesitantly reaching out to rub his back.

After what must have been a good thirty minutes of heavy breathing on Rodney’s part, it started to slow, leaving him drained and shaking. He buried his head into his knees and took a deep breath.

John asked in the silence, “This happen a lot?”

Rodney gave a bitter laugh muffled by his knees, “Too much.”

John’s hand stilled on his back and he withdrew it slowly. Rodney suddenly missed the gentle motion. It was weird. He didn’t like it when people touched him, but for some reason he ached for this guy to touch him more.

“So you _can_ speak?”

Rodney looked to the floor only to see Poe’s wide cat eyes staring up at him. He unfolded himself slowly, reaching down to pick him up. Once the cat was in his arms, he held him tightly to his chest as if Poe could protect him from… well, he didn’t know what, but wasn’t that the definition of a phobia? Irrational fear, irrational being the key word.

His agoraphobia and social phobia were things he had been dealing with since he was in his teens. It had been manageable until about four years ago when Jeannie had moved them down to the US, setting him up with an apartment and getting her own. She knew he was struggling but she had to go to school and wanted a place of her own while still watching over him.

He _may_ have had a minor breakdown at the time, but he refused the offer to move back in with her. So what if he hadn’t left the house at all for two years after that? It was his business, not hers and he hadn’t wanted to ruin her chances of a normal life.

At least one of them deserved one.

As much as he loathed to admit it, Teyla had been a godsend. He had been surfing the web, screwing around, when he had stumbled upon her website, proclaiming that she specialized in several disorders, his included. He emailed her the next day and he was probably, no definitely, better for it. At least he could go to her office now, instead of her coming to him. That was progress, slow progress, but Teyla had assured him it wasn’t going to get better overnight. That he may never get rid of it completely.

The sound of someone’s throat clearing brought him back to the present. He glanced over and was surprised to find John still there, staring at him expectantly.

He racked his brain, trying to remember what John had asked him. He was still a little weirded out by the guy, but he felt much safer in his home so he answered, “Yeah, sometimes. Not usually in public though.”

“Why?” John asked, looking totally confused.

He just shook his head. Sometimes trying to explain it gave him a panic attack all on its own and he was still to shaky from the last one. He felt too vulnerable, too exposed right then.

He could see John look around out of the corner of his eye. Rodney looked with him, seeing its chaotic order. To anyone else’s eyes it might look messy, but to Rodney it was perfect. Everything was in its place, everything clean, and in its own pile. 

Boxes for his work projects on the coffee table, check. 

Bookshelves along the wall, separated by subject and then alphabetized, check.

Entertainment center trailing wires everywhere in color coded bundles, check, check, and check.

“So this is… homey? Um, very lived in. How long have you lived here?”

“F-four years.” He winced at the stutter. It was something he had been working on with Teyla, and he couldn’t fault himself after what he’d been through today.

“So you don’t get out much, huh?” John awkwardly asked, staring down at Poe, who was still content to be held in Rodney’s arms.

“No.” He wished John would just leave, leave him and Poe and go about his business. Forget all about Rodney and give him back his seat, and then never leave his side. Contradictory, yes, but that was his head for you. Sometimes he thought he was wired backwards and if he could just take a peek inside, he could fix himself, snip and twist a few wires and all would be right.

He’d told Teyla that once but she’d gone tight lipped and disapproving, spouting off something about how hurting himself wasn’t the answer. He’d tried to explain that he wasn’t actually going to do it, that he knew it didn’t work that way, he wasn’t stupid. But it had gotten screwed up somewhere between his brain and his mouth, like most things did, and she had watched him carefully for weeks after that. She’d even made him endure extra sessions and just no, one a week was bad enough, thank you.

“Who’s this?” John reached over to pet the cat’s head and Rodney felt suddenly jealous of him. He wanted John’s touch even if he wouldn’t know what to do with it.

“That’s Poe. He’s-he’s the only one I really talk to other than my sister and my therapist.” Rodney winced as soon as it came out of his mouth. A lot of people had a stigma about people who went to the therapist.

John didn’t even bat an eye, “Well you’re talking to me right now and you seem to be doing just fine.”

“I am?” He hated the hopeful quality to his voice but he couldn’t help it. He wanted to fit in somewhere with someone, with anyone really.

“Yeah, sure.” John glanced around the room again, eyes catching on the clock on the far wall. He jumped out of his seat, startling Rodney and causing Poe to mewl disapprovingly. “I’m sorry, I’ve got to leave or I’ll be late for work. I’ll have to hail a cab as it is.” He headed to the door still talking, “I don’t usually have to go in on Fridays, so let’s hangout or something when we meet up next. See you then.” And he was gone, leaving Rodney to wonder what the hell just happened.

************************

As usual the phone rang late Tuesday morning. He both dreaded and looked forward to his sister’s calls. On one hand it was his sister so, yeah. And then on the other, she was the only one he could talk to without worrying that he’d make a complete fool out of himself. She already knew he was a fool. He could never figure out if that was a pro or a con.

He answered on the third ring, “Hello, Joseph’s international house of porn.”

He smiled as he practically heard her eyes roll. _“Hey, Mer. How’s my favorite brother doing this week?”_

“You say that as if I’m not you’re only brother.” He sat back down on the couch. Poe jumped onto his lap and curled into a ball.

_“Makes it easier to be my favorite doesn’t it?”_

“Touché.” He looked down to make sure Poe hadn’t tracked kitty litter onto his pants again, “I had an interesting talk with Teyla last week. She was spouting off about letting people see the inner me or something stupid like that. I don’t even want to see the inner me. What makes her think anyone else would? Though, if I could find a way to clone myself--”

_“Thanks for the visual, but have you actually gone out at all?”_

“I just said I went to see Teyla. What more do you want?”

_“Oh, I don’t know, maybe for my little brother to go out and have some fun for once in his life, maybe even meet some people, or you know, one person at least. Someone other than me you can talk to.”_

“You’re the one who calls me.”

_“Only because you break into a cold sweat if you have to dial the phone.”_

“I’m okay if I know the person who’s answering.” He said, feeling bad that it wasn’t completely true. It was only a little better if he knew the person.

He could hear her sigh, static bursting in the receiver, _“I worry Mer. I just want you to meet someone and be happy.”_

“I met someone on Friday,” He blurted, feeling like a burden, “and I’m going to see them again this Friday. See I can meet people just fine.”

 _“Reeeallly?”_ She asked doubtfully, _“Then what’s her name.”_

“His name is John.”

There was a pause, _“Did you just come out to me?”_

He thought she knew. Didn’t he tell her that? He guessed not, “….maybe.” It was all still theoretical anyway.

_“Whatever, but John? If you’re going to make up a name, at least make it sound original.”_

“Hey!” He said affronted, “If I was making him up, his name would be something original. Like Randy or Edgar, but no, his name’s John…” He searched his memory, “Sheppard and he goes to college here in town.”

 _“Fine.”_ She huffed, _“If he’s real, then what’s he look like?” ___

Rodney sighed happily, “He’s gorgeous, fucking hot. Dark brown hair, little taller than me, hazel eyes, lean but not wiry, and get this? He’s going for a degree in physics next, after he’s done with his degree in math.”

_“Mer, you just described the perfect man. How am I supposed to know you haven’t gone delusional in your hermit like ways?”_

“Trust me, if I’m delusional, I don’t want it to be fixed.”

*****************************

After he got out of his therapist’s appointment, and hadn’t Teyla been practically jumping for joy when he told her he was meeting someone after their little slice of hell, he stepped on to the bus and spotted John’s floppy hair at the back. He paused, asking himself what the hell he was thinking and partially hoping John forgot all about them hanging out. What were they going to do? Rodney certainly wasn’t going to go out anywhere, he thought as he made his way to the back, so the only option they had was to go to Rodney’s apartment.

Sitting in his (still new and slightly unsettling) seat, back to the corner, he waited for John to make the first move. He thankfully didn’t have to wait long.

“There you are. I figured you’d want to stay in so I brought a movie to watch.” John dug into his book bag and retrieved a DVD case. Waggling it about, he said, “I’ve got Back to the Future. You seen it?”

Rodney shook his head no. It was a classic, he’d been told, but he’d never got around to seeing it for himself. If he wasn’t testing out a TV or movie player, he never watched anything. Except Dr. Who, but that didn’t count, because hello? It was Dr. Who. What kind of person didn’t want to watch that? Not the kind of person Rodney wanted to know. He’d have to ask John later, when and if they knew each other better, if he was a Whovian.

No, when he wasn’t working, he was reading. Anything he could get his greedy hands on. Science, history, fiction, nonfiction, anything to get him out of his head and somewhere else. His secret passion was romance. It was something he craved to read, because if he couldn’t have it for real, at least he could pretend. Sci-fi and supernatural romances were his favorite.

Most of it was a load of emotional crap, but it was interesting crap. Like the kind you find on the bottom of your shoe, not knowing how it got there, and wanting it gone, but it’s gotten stuck in the crevasses and now you couldn’t get rid of it, couldn’t look away, because it was just there. Taunting you.

John smiled, “Good, I brought popcorn too. I didn’t know if you’d have any.”

Ooh, Rodney liked popcorn. It was the perfect snack, except for when it got stuck in your teeth. Maybe he wouldn’t eat any. He didn’t want John to see him with kernels in his teeth.

******************************

What was he supposed to do now? They had made it to the apartment, in silence he might add, and John had handed him the movie. While John made his way unerringly to the kitchen, Rodney got everything set up to play. Now they were sitting in front of Rodney’s 75 inch TV, watching the opening credits, and Rodney was stumped.

Was he supposed to talk or were they supposed to sit there in uncomfortable silence until the movie ended? Did he offer John something to drink or what? He could already feel his heart rate increasing and he just didn’t know what to do.

“Just relax and watch the movie.” John said, placing the bowl between them.

Rodney picked it up and put it on the clean spot of the table in front of them. “We… we can’t put it there. Poe might try to eat it.”

“Sorry, forgot about him.” John scanned the room, “Where is he anyway?”

As if thinking about the little monster could summon him, Poe squeezed out through the cracked door to Rodney’s bed room. He scampered over to the couch, vaulted into Rodney’s lap, and started kneading his thigh.

“There he is. So movie?” John said brightly.

Rodney turned his head back to the screen and soon everything got washed away in the tides of his focus. Getting lost in the action of the shootout, getting swept away by the terror of never being born, and ultimately bobbing his head to the awesome rock scene near the end.

********************************************

“Oh my god. That movie was stupid.” He said as soon as the end credits rolled. He looked down to see Poe glaring at him with one eye open for upsetting his sleep.

“I mean Flux capacitor, what the hell is that? It makes no sense. And what does 88 miles per hour have to do with anything? It’s a far cry from light speed, let alone over it. They’ll never go time traveling that way,” Rodney huffed and smoothed down the tabby’s fur, “You know if you went back in time and messed something up you’d only create an alternate timeline. Your time line would still exist in the multi-verse ergo, you wouldn’t start disappearing like that.” Poe meowed at him.

“Yeah and Deloreans were crappy cars anyway.”

He heard a laugh, “Wow, I think that’s the most I’ve heard you say since I met you combined. I guess we’re going to have to watch cheesy movies every week.”

He turned to blink what he was sure was stupidly up at John. He had just done what he always did after a movie, rant at Poe’s ever present furry face. It was autopilot to just let it all out when he was at home. 

Did he say something wrong? Was John laughing at him or with him? Which was a stupid saying, because when was Rodney ever laughing?  
He gulped and hoped he hadn’t done anything too out of the ordinary, “S-sorry. I forgot you were there.”

John sighed, “And now we’re back to being tight lipped. Look, I want to get to know you and that means you’re going to have to start speaking to me. Is there anything that will make you more comfortable here or what?”

“Why?”

John frowned with confusion and said, “Because I’d like you to feel more comfortable around me.”

Rodney shook his head, “No, why do you want to get to know me?”

“’Cause I like you. You’re different, intriguing, in a good way.” John leaned forward and Rodney suddenly realized how close they were, how John must have scooted himself over to sit so close their thighs were touching, and how John’s arm was resting on the back of the couch right behind Rodney’s shoulders.

John leaned in further and… oh god, was he-? Was he trying to-?

And… _Brrring._

He jumped to his feet, saved by the bell. He didn’t know whether to praise the timeliness of the call or take his phone out to the street and beat it to death with a club.

He beat a hasty retreat to the kitchen. Pausing in the doorway, he glanced back to see John giving him a perplexed look.

He pointed over his shoulder and said, “The phone. I have to... have to get the phone. Please don’t leave.”

Scrambling across the room and slamming into the counter, Rodney had a sudden and inexplicable thought that he hated his sister.

He answered, “This isn’t a good time.”

_“When is it ever a good time? So Mer, I need your advice. I’m trying to buy a new comp-“_

“Jeannie, I’m busy right now.”

 _“What are you doing?”_ Only she could get that tone right. It was both disgusted and intrigued. Sometimes he wondered what she thought he did all day, but most times he could guess.

“I was watching a movie-”

_“And that makes you busy how?”_

“with John.”

_“You‘re shitting me right? Wait, he’s actually real?”_

“Yes, he’s real,” Rodney looked around the door jamb. “Great, now he’s staring at me funny.”

_“Everyone stares at you funny.”_

“That’s exceedingly unhelpful.” 

_“I meant that you think everyone stares at you funny.”_

Which, yes true, but still, “That’s not what you meant. I can tell you know.”

_“Whatever, Mer. Let me talk to him.”_

“No. Not only that, but hell no.”

_“You know I won’t believe you until I talk to him.” ___

“Then I guess you’ll just have to not believe me then.” He snuck a peek through the kitchen door. John was sitting there chatting with Poe and scratching him behind the ears. Rodney wanted so badly to have the courage to go back there and finish what John had potentially been starting but he couldn’t. Well, he could go back in there, just not the other thing.

What if John hadn’t been planning to do anything and Rodney made an ass out of himself? He couldn’t risk it. This was potentially a friendship at best, he told himself, and you need all the friends you could get.

Oh god, John was smiling at him again.

“Look, I’ve got to go.”

_“Mer! Don’t you even think about han-“ Beep._

He winced. She was going to be so pissed after that.

He set the cordless carefully back on the charger and contemplated his next move. He wondered if he should go in there and offer John some lunch or maybe they could watch another movie. Rodney felt the phantom touch of John’s thigh against his. Another movie sounded good and they were full of popcorn anyway. 

*********************************

Rodney was on cloud nine. When he had suggested watching another movie, John had seemed to agree whole heartedly. In sticking with cheesy sci-fi flics, they had watched one of the original Star trek shows that Rodney had sitting on his DVD shelf. John hadn’t even scooted over so they had sat touching the whole time.

To say that he had been nervous was an understatement. And was it a date or just hanging out? Rodney had never been on a date so he really wouldn’t know, but either way, John had eventually left, promising to come back next week, barring emergencies, and Rodney had shook his head yes franticly enough to give himself whiplash.

That night Rodney had masturbated to the thought of John moving over him, touching him, and he had come harder than he ever had. He didn’t think he could look John in the face again without blushing.

*********************************

The phone rang predictably on Tuesday and Rodney chose to ignore it and let the answering machine pick it up. He hunkered down further in the couch with his book. Gray was just about to steal Jewel anyway.

“You have reached the phone of M. Rodney McKay, if you are looking for a hand out, tell it to someone who cares. If you want to sell me something, I have everything I need. If you’re Jeannie, I’m still alive, please don’t call animal control.” _Beep._

_“It’s Jeannie and you’re going to answer the phone whether you like it or not. I want all the juicy details on Mr. Perfect and your little date. Don’t hold back one single thing… pick up the phone. Pick it up and press talk... I know you’re there. There’s nowhere else you’d-.” Beep._

_Ring, brrring._ Rodney sighed and flipped the page. Gray was at the front of the castle watching Jewel being carried away. 

What he wouldn’t give for someone to be able to read his mind like she could Grray’s. Know what he meant and not just what he said, so there were never any tragic misunderstandings. Never any losing people over his stupid inability to put his thoughts into words.

“You have reached the phone of M. Rodney McKay, if you are looking for a hand out, tell it to someone who cares. If you want to sell me something, I have everything I need. If you’re Jeannie, I’m still alive, please don’t call animal control.” _Beep._

_“You have to answer your phone sometime, Mer. You know I’m just going to keep calling you and calling you until you pick up the phone, so there’s no use trying to ignore me, and if you even think about disconnecting it, I’ll co-” Beep._

Ten minutes later, Rodney wasn’t terribly surprised to hear an insistent knock at his door.

He padded over in his socks and opened the door for her. He gave a long suffering sigh as she barged past, curls bouncing with her anger.

“Hi, Jeannie.”

She turned to glare at him. “Damn right, ‘hi, Jeannie’. Do you know how many traffic laws I had to break to get here so fast?”

“Don’t blame me. I didn’t want you here.” He sidestepped her and plopped back down on the couch. Rodney grabbed his book and started reading again only to have it plucked out of his grasp.

He made a vain attempt to grab it. “Hey, give that back!”

She waggled it just out of his reach. “Not until you tell me about your date with John.”

He huffed, crossing his arms and leaning back. “It wasn’t a date, alright? We were just watching a movie. No date-like qualities there.”

Rolling her eyes, she said, “Except for the part where you watched a movie together.”

“Do people do that on dates?”

“Yes, though usually people go out to see them.” She sat down on the couch next to him, placing the book down on her other side. “This is great, Mer. When are you going to see him next?”

“This Friday.” Rodney’s hands twitched to pick up the book and Jeannie glared, stopping him in his tracks. He withdrew it slowly. “What could he possibly see in me? Not that I’m admitting it was a date, because it wasn’t.” He hastily added.

“It must be your charming personality.”

He only glared.

She cocked her head. “Well you’re skinny and blonde. That’s got to be something.”

Yeah, what a great foundation to build a relationship on, Rodney thought bitterly. And his hair was turning brown anyway.

**********************************

He couldn’t get what Jeannie had said about John and him out of his mind. It had burrowed down deep, taken root, and spread, taking up all of his thoughts. Were John and him dating or was it just some pity thing John felt obligated to do after witnessing Rodney’s panic attack? It was getting colder out, Rodney thought, trying to think about something, anything, else. He burrowed deeper into his coat and hurried to the bus stop after his appointment with Teyla.

He wasn’t about to admit to anyone, even Teyla when she had brought it up, but he had chosen his best casual clothes- not that he had anything but casual clothes. He was wearing a nice pair of jeans, no holes, and the dark blue sweater Jeannie said (in one of her rare nice moments) brought out his eyes. Even if John didn’t think of Rodney like that, he could still look his best.

He had it timed perfectly so that he didn’t have to wait for the bus most days. Like usual, he wasn’t even there a minute before the public transport slowed to stop in front of him and he boarded, traitorous eyes already scanning for John.

He spotted him instantly, all the way at the back and once again in Rodney’s seat. He walked to the back and paused in front of John.

“Hey you, we still on for movie night?”

“Yes.” He marshaled his courage, “Can… can I sit there? I normally sat there before you did.”

John frowned, but got up and Rodney let out a breath of relief. He wasn’t good with changes to his routine and he hated how something so small could throw him off so bad.

To his surprise, instead of taking the seat opposite, John plunked down right next to him. Rodney couldn’t seem to find it in himself to mind. He brought his legs up to sit Indian style like he preferred, careful not to jostle John, and set his bag on his lap.

John smiled, “You know it occurred to me after I left your place last week that I don’t even know your name.”

“It’s Rodney.” He said, forcing himself to look at John. Teyla had told him that even though he was uncomfortable with it, connecting with people was all about eye contact.

John was wearing black jeans and a black turtle neck with a black leather jacket. Rodney’s mouth started to water. Black seemed to suit John perfectly.

“Cool. So I brought the 1996 American made Dr. Who movie, because I _might_ have seen a Dalek on your shelf when I was there last. Not the best thing ever done in the franchise, and undeniably cheesy, but that’s what I was going for.”

Rodney might be in love, he thought, gaping at John.

**********************************************

They were at the part were the Doctor and Grace steal a motorcycle when Rodney suddenly felt John put his arm around Rodney’s shoulders and he’d finally had enough of guessing. Before he could think better of it he nudged John in the side and said, “Is… is this a… a,”

“Date?”

“Yes, that.” His stomach was tying itself in knots and he felt like he was going to be sick.

John reached for the remote and paused the movie. “Do you want it to be?”

“That’s not an answer!” Rodney could feel his hands start to shake, his breath wheezing in and out. “C-could we forget I said anything?” He said through his attempts to breathe.

John gently grasped Rodney’s chin in his free palm, turning his face to look into his eyes. “I’d like it if it was a date.”

Rodney couldn’t have heard what he thought he heard, but the evidence was there, written in John’s eyes for him to see. “You would?”

“Yeah. Like I said before, I like you. There’s something about you that draws me. Don’t ask me what, because I’ve never been good with feelings, but I want to get to know you better.”

“O-Okay. That’s great.”

John smiled his stunning smile. “Good.” He grabbed the remote again and pressed play, pulling Rodney closer so that Rodney didn’t have a choice but to rest his head on John’s shoulder. He was strangely okay with that.

As soon as the movie ended Rodney started to worry about what he was supposed to do, but John took it out of his hands and promised to come over on Monday morning since he had a break from classes. He said they could just hang out and talk, get to know each other better. Rodney really wanted to know John, but he was a little wary of John getting to know him.

He plastered a smile on his face that wasn’t entirely fake and told John he was looking forward to it.

*******************************************

As he said, John arrived at ten on Monday morning and Rodney invited him in. They sat together on the couch facing each other and Rodney told himself firmly that anything John wanted to know Rodney would tell him.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence Rodney said, “W-well this is awkward.”

“It doesn’t have to be. Here let me start. Let’s see…” John rubbed his chin, “I’m 22, moved here to California to go to the university several of years ago, but moved again just recently to be closer to my job too. I’m a flight instructor on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Sunday afternoons at a local flight school. I have an older brother I never talk to. Mom died when I was ten, Dad’s an ass. Um, that’s all I can think of at the moment. Now it’s your turn.”

Rodney reminded himself to be more vocal and supplied, “I’m 21. My… my parents are dead, car accident when I was 15. I’m originally Canadian, but moved here with my sister four years ago. Sh-she lives about twenty minutes away if she obeys the traffic laws and she’s the only one I talk to other than Teyla, my th-therapist.”

“And me. You talk to me now too.”

“I… I suppose that’s true.”

“Great. Now tell me your favorite color.”

[------------]

“You read for fun?”

“Yes.”

“What are you reading now?”

“Um… it’s called Love Bites.”

John nodded sagely, “Semiwide beavertail and dual palm swells.”

“You’ve read it?”

“I can’t help but skip over the dick biting part.”

Rodney shuddered. “Me n-neither.”

[------------]

“Are you serious? That… that piece of 80’s crap we watched the other day was your favorite movie?”

“I love the Delorean.” John said defensively. 

“They steered like a tank and their doors fell off.”

“Yeah, but they looked cool.”

“… I’ll give you that one.”

[------------]

“So… what do you actually do for a living?”

“I write. Reviews and stuff. Companies pay me to test out their products, mostly electronics, and tell people what I thought of them on my blog.”

“Wouldn’t they get pissed if you don’t give them a good review?” John questioned.

“I don’t give anything a good review. It only seems to make people want the things more. I guess people are stupid like that.”

“Oh my god!”

“Wh-what?”

“I just put it together. You’re Rodney Rant n’ Rave, the blogger that makes millions testing phones and computers and stuff. Holy shit, I’m dating Rodney Rant n’ Rave.”

Rodney huffed. “I hardly make millions. That’s just a rumor some of my more avid readers started. If you listen to them I’m a man in my early thirty’s with long black hair and a Porsche. Or on the… the flipside, a forty year old with unfortunate adult acne and greasy hair.”

“Well I can certainly say you’re not what I pictured. You’re… a lot more reserved than you sound on your blog.”

“Reserved is such a nice way to put it.”

“Fine, the curiosity is killing me. What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing’s w-wrong with me.” No there wasn’t. Besides the obvious.

“Rodney,” John pouted, “You know what I meant.”

“If you must know, I’m agoraphobic. It’s the fear of crowded rooms and open spaces. It doesn’t help that I’m also s-social phobic too.”

“It all makes sense now.”

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, Rodney.”

[-----------------]

“I like to play chess, but the computer generated opponent is too predictable. I always win.”

“I can play chess. I’ll bring my set next time I come over.”

“N-next time?” Rodney asked hopefully.

“Definitely next time.”

[-----------------]

“This pizza’s amazing. Where’d you get it from again?”

“I ordered it online with all my other groceries. They deliver weekly and leave everything on my doorstep.”

“So you never have to talk to anyone?”

“Exactly.”

[--------------------]

“Rodney, there’s a phone in that bowl of water on your kitchen counter.”

“Yes, yes there is.”

“Okay, but why?”

“They said its water proof. I’m testing if that statement proves true in prolonged conditions.”

John nodded, straight faced. “Right, makes sense.”

[--------------------]

“Do you have any lemon for the tea?”

“Good god, are you trying to kill me?”

John frowned in confusion.

“I’m deathly allergic to all citrus fruits. One drop of their juice could cause anaphylactic shock!”

“… So no lemon then?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

[-------------------]

“John, how did you know I was gay?”

“Gaydar.”

“Gaydar?”

“And wishful thinking.”

“My whole life seems to come back to that.”

“What?”

“Wishful thinking. I think it was about time one of those wishes came true.” Rodney paused, realizing what he had just said and how ridiculous it sounded, “C-can we forget I said that?”

“No, I don’t think we can. I like that you think I’m a wish come true,” John looked to the ground, blushing, “‘Cause it’s the same for me.”

When Rodney flushed with pleasure, John put his hand on Rodney’s cheek and leaned in for a light kiss. Their lips barely touched, but it was like the sun exploded and the bright warmth of it was surging through him.

“Is this okay?” John asked when he pulled back, staring into Rodney’s eyes.

“Yes.” Rodney said breathlessly. He liked John’s lips. They were soft and Rodney wanted more.

He didn’t have to wait long. John leaned in again to press their lips together, closed mouth and gentle. Someone whined and Rodney had the feeling it was him.

John seemed to take that for encouragement and swept his tongue lightly over Rodney’s bottom lip. Rodney gasped at the feeling suffusing him, warmth seeping into his stomach, and John’s tongue took advantage of the opening, exploring Rodney’s mouth. For lack of direction on what to do with his own, Rodney curled his tongue around John’s and sucked. 

It must have been the right thing to do because John ran his hand deeper into Rodney’s hair and pulled him closer. Rodney was hard in an instant.

“John.” Rodney breathed as they parted.

“Want you so much.” John said, swooping back in and taking possession of Rodney’s mouth like he owned it. He pulled Rodney so he was straddling John’s thighs and Rodney could feel the outline of John’s cock through their pants. He rubbed himself onto John, feeling the pressure of his orgasm start to build.

“Fuck yeah, like that.” John said, letting go of Rodney’s face to grip his hips and rock them together.

The friction was painful with their zippers in the way, but at the same time it was perfect. Rodney threw back his head and groaned, reveling in the pleasure coursing through him, the feeling of John so close.

He knew after all these years of keeping himself away from everyone that he was touch starved, but this felt like more, like John was the only one who could ever make him feel this way. It was so good, so fucking good and that was it. He was going to come in his pants and he couldn’t stop it.

“Oh god, John!” He cried out as he came, spasms shaking him as his hands clamped down on John’s shoulders. As soon as his orgasm took its course he slumped onto John and buried his head in his chest, embarrassed that he came so soon.

“That’s so fucking hot.”

Rodney peeked up through his eyelashes to see John’s face looking flushed and strained. “What do you… what do you want?” He asked, relieved that John wasn’t laughing at him and not knowing what to do.

John shook his head, “Can-can you touch me, please?”

Rodney reached hesitantly between them. Popping the button on John’s jeans and pulling down the zipper with shaking hands, he hoped this was what John wanted.

“Yeah, that’s it. Touch me.” John said, his voice hoarse and sexy. Rodney could feel his dick twitch at the sound of it.

Reaching into John’s boxers, Rodney pulled John out through the slit and stared. John’s cock was bigger than Rodney’s, longer, and it was pulsing and red in Rodney’s hand. He paused realizing that this was the first time he had ever seen one in real life other than his own.

John pushed his hips up into Rodney’s hand. “Come on, Rodney, stroke me.”

Taking John’s advice, he started moving his hand up and down, twisting his hand at the end like he liked himself. He was captivated by the contrast between his pale skin and John’s flushed cock. It was leaking precum and Rodney whimpered at the sight, feeling himself harden again.

“Stop, stop.”

Rodney snatch back his hand as if John was on fire. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I-“

John placed his hand over Rodney’s mouth, stopping the tirade. “You didn’t do anything wrong. God, nothing at all, but I noticed you were hard again and I wanted to see you this time, come with you.”

Rodney blushed looking down at himself. There was a wet patch on his pants and his embarrassment doubled.

He didn’t know if he was ready for John to see him naked yet. What if John was disappointed in him? What if he wasn’t appeasing enough  
for John to stay after he saw Rodney in the buff? He felt a hand on his cheek.

“Please?”

Rodney faced the facts and realized he couldn’t deny John anything he wanted. Hiding his face behind his hair, he nodded.

He felt a tug on the hem of his shirt. Lifting his arms, he let John pull his it off. He crossed his arms trying to hide his exceedingly pale skin from John’s sight.

John was having none of that. He pulled Rodney’s arms away gently and ran a hand down from Rodney’s collarbone, stopping to rub one of his nipples with his thumb.

Rodney gasped, arching his back into the sensation. He didn’t know he was so sensitive there. It was like there was a direct line from his nipples to his dick.

“Beautiful.” John whispered and if Rodney wasn’t so busy having his brain melt out his ears, he’d think that strange.

John leaned forward and took the right one into his mouth, flicking it with his tongue. The wet, hot suction was almost too good to bare.

Rodney’s hands moved of their own volition, burying themselves into John’s hair and holding him closer. It was too long and not long enough when John pulled back only to give the left nipple the same treatment.

“Please, please, please.” Rodney babbled, not even knowing what he was asking for. He was going to die of John sucking his nipples, he just knew it.

John drew back and caressed Rodney’s sides. “Shh, I’ve got you, just stand up for a second.”

“But-“

John tugged on the waistband of Rodney’s pants. “I want to get rid of these.”

Rodney nodded, just realizing how uncomfortable the pressure of the zipper was on his dick, not to mention the sticky come. Rodney slid off of John’s thighs and stood there fiddling with the button on his jeans and trying to prolong the inevitable.

“Here let me.” John reached forward and undid Rodney’s pants with ease. When the zipper lowered, Rodney let out a breath of relief, his cock thanking him for the room. John slid his hands under the waistband and pulled Rodney’s pants and boxers both down slowly, careful not to snag Rodney’s dick as they came off. 

Rodney screwed his eyes shut, not wanting to see the disgust and disappointment in John’s eyes. He knew he was too pale from never getting out and he was too skinny at best.

“Fuck, you’re so hot.” John breathed into the silence and Rodney’s eyes snapped open. John was staring at him like he was an equation, beautiful and complex, and Rodney could feel his blush grow more intense as heat coursed through him.

John stood and swept in for another of those brain melting kisses. It was weird being naked with John fully clothed and normally Rodney would have passed out form embarrassment a while ago, but everything John did and said made him feel wanted, normal.

John slid his hands down to grab both of Rodney’s ass cheeks in his palms. Lifting, and forcing Rodney to wrap his legs around John’s waist, they headed to the bedroom. Rodney knew John was stronger than him, but this was silly. Maybe he was skinnier than he thought.

Rodney let out an indignant squawk as he was dumped on the bed. Lifting himself up onto his elbows, Rodney watched as John stripped, salivating at the sight of all that tanned perfection. First the shirt, revealing thick dark chest hair and washboard abs. Then John removed his pants and boxers. The sight of his corded muscles had Rodney’s head spinning.

Licking his lips he said, “What do you want?”

John made his way onto the bed, kneeling between Rodney’s spread thighs. “I want you.”

Rodney couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “I meant what do you want to… to do to me?”

John’s hungry eyes traveled up Rodney’s body slowly to rest finally on Rodney’s own. “Everything.”

Rodney gasped, seeing the fire in John’s eyes. It felt like if Rodney made one wrong move he’d be burned alive where he lay. It wasn’t entirely an unpleasant feeling.

“I really want to fuck you. Have you ever done that?” John breathed into Rodney’s ear.

He shivered. “N-no I haven’t.” Rodney panted, “but I’ve… I’ve fingered myself.” Rodney blushed again.

John groaned, squeezing his eyes shut, “God, that’s hot.” He opened them. “Did you like it?”

Rodney mumbled, “Yeah, a lot.”

John got a hopeful look. “Did you want to? I’ll go slow, make it good for you.”

Rodney had no doubt he would but, “I don’t have condoms.”

John scrambled off the bed, leaving Rodney to wonder what he did wrong. John grabbed his pants, rummaged through them, and joined Rodney on the bed once more. He held up a foil package in Rodney’s face. “Got that covered, though I do hope you have lube, because that I don’t have.”

Rodney nodded, both eager and worried, “It’s in the nightstand.”

John reached over and opened the drawer, pulling out the lube. The sight of it seemed to jerk Rodney out of his stupor and made him realize what they were about to do. His breath started to come faster and he was having trouble focusing. John seemed to notice and soon was being held close upright in John’s arms sitting in the other man’s lap.

“Hey, shh, shh. We don’t have to if you don’t want to.” John whispered into his skin.

Rodney shook his head, ashamed of what he was about to reveal. “No, I want to, it’s just that I’ve never… never been with anyone before now and it’s just a little overwhelming.”

John turned his head so they were looking into each other’s eyes. “I kind of guessed that, but I won’t do anything you don’t want. Anything you don’t like, just tell me and I’ll stop.”

Rodney could see the truth shining in John’s eyes and he nodded. “Okay, I trust you. I want to try.”

John smiled and laid him down gently. Grabbing the tube of lube, he squirted some onto his hand and rubbed his fingers through it, warming it up. Reaching down with one hand, he spread it around Rodney’s opening, slowly getting him used to it.

Rodney’s breath caught at the feeling of someone else’s hands touching him there. It was a million times better than when he did it himself. Moaning, he pushed down trying to get John’s finger inside him.

“Whoa, slow down, we have all night and I want to make it good for you.” John said, pressing him back down onto the mattress.

“Feels good already.” Rodney informed him in between his moans.

John chuckled and pressed his finger slowly inside. Finally, Rodney thought as he felt it push in. He’d done this much by himself, but he had never gotten this deep. The angle had been all wrong. It burned but nowhere near painful. It actually seemed to enhance the pleasure surging through him.

“Yes, please, more.” He said. Even he could hear the wanton quality to his voice.

He saw John’s pupils go wide with want as he pressed another finger inside Rodney. It burned even more, but Rodney was beyond caring at the moment, washed up in the feeling if being so close to this man. This man that knew all his fucked up shit and still stayed. Still wanted to know him.

Rodney jolted and called out John’s name, as John touched something inside him, his prostate, his brain supplied, and he saw stars. Fireworks dancing in front of his eyes.

“God, you really like this don’t you?” John’s voice was strained once again.

Rodney nodded his head franticly, wanting more of what John was giving him. “Please!”

“Oh, fuck yes.”

Rodney felt John scissor his fingers, stretching him further and then coming back with three. It bordered on painful at first, but soon all Rodney felt was John’s fingers moving inside him, occasionally rubbing his prostate and, “I’m ready, I’m ready. Please, please, I need-“

“Yes, yes, definitely.” John withdrew his fingers and Rodney whimpered at their loss. John fumbled with the condom packet, eventually getting it open and on. He grabbed Rodney’s legs and wrapped them around his waist, lining himself up. He paused, “This will hurt, but I’ll go slow. Let you get used to it.”

As soon as Rodney nodded, he felt John push in. It hurt, it hurt a lot, but he breathed through it. What felt like years later, John’s hips rested against Rodney’s ass, his cock fully sheathed.

“You okay?” John asked looking tense and running his hand through Rodney’s dark blonde locks.

It was getting less painful by the second and Rodney cataloged his feelings. “It feels full, stretched, doesn’t hurt much now.”

John smiled, “Let’s see if we can make you fly.”

Before Rodney could question that, John captured his mouth and pulled out slowly and pushed in, unerringly finding Rodney prostate on the first try. Rodney’s breath hitched as John continued his onslaught against Rodney’s senses.

John pulled back, breathing heavily, and stared down into Rodney’s eyes. There was so much emotion there that he couldn’t look away. Couldn’t deny that he was in love with this man, even though they had only known each other for a couple of weeks.

“Oh god yes!” Rodney cried. The unrelenting assault on his prostate spiraling him higher as he tried to meet John’s thrusts. 

Just when he thought he couldn’t take any more, John said, “Come on, baby. I want to see you come just from this.” And he did, spurting semen between them and calling out John’s name. He shook from the power of his orgasm. All the others he had before paled in comparison to this one.

John gave a few more haphazard thrusts and stilled, neck straining as he threw his head back. He slumped to the side when he was done, pulling out of Rodney with a wince on both sides. John shifted to his back and for a second Rodney didn’t know what to do. He looked to the direction of the door and contemplated fleeing, until he felt John reach over and start to wipe him off with a tissue he must have gotten from the bedside table. Once he was done, John pulled him over so his head rested on John’s chest and his arm was thrown over him.

Rodney felt a hand run through the hair at the back of his neck. “Just relax and go to sleep,” John said and Rodney did, dreaming of John telling him that that love he felt was mutual.

*****************************************************

John woke to the sound of the phone ringing, Rodney curled up at his side. He smiled thinking of what they had done the night before. The feeling of being inside Rodney had been like nothing he felt before.

The guy was a truck load of contradictions but John wanted him, wanted anything he could get. Rodney made him feel needed in a way that no one had before and he had reveled in it.

John frowned and rubbed at the pale scars on his wrist, but before he could think any further on them, the phone on the nightstand rang again, reminding him of what had disturbed his rest.

He reached over, trying not to wake Rodney, and grabbed the phone.

“Hello?” John whispered. Rodney snuffled and burrowed closer.

There was a pause, _“You’re not Meredith.”_

John sighed at being interrupted over nothing, “I’m sorry you must have the wrong number, there’s no one named Meredith here.”

He was about to press the end button when he realized whoever-it-was was still talking. He pressed it to his ear.

_“-better as hell be a Meredith there. Unless my brother has had a brain transplant and moved away without my knowing, he should be the one answering this phone. Now who the hell is this?”_

John was starting to get annoyed. “Look lady, I don’t know what your problem is but there’s no Meredith here.”

There was another pause and John could swear he heard her slap herself. _“Oh god, I’m sorry. His name’s Rodney. I’m looking for Rodney. Wait… is this John?”_

“…yes.” He said after a moment, wondering how she knew him and why she called Rodney, Meredith.

 _“This is his sister, Jeannie.”_ He heard her move the phone from one side to the other. _“… What are you doing there this early?”_

John smirked, “Wouldn’t you like to know.” He was suddenly smacked in the nose by flailing hand.

“Oh no, just hand me the phone, hand me the phone.” Rodney said as he eventually ripped the phone out of John’s hand. Talking into the  
receiver and ignoring John’s chuckle, he said, “That’s John, see I told you he was real.”

Jeannie said something and Rodney turned red all the way down to his nipples. The same nipples that drew John’s attention the night before and were continuing to draw it now.

“YES! Okay, yes, we used a condom. Happy now? Can I go crawl into the corner and die?”

John frowned at the flippant way Rodney mentioned dying. It wasn’t something he liked hearing from Rodney’s mouth and something he didn’t like to think about. Death was a big deal and ending it was even worse. John realized he would be devastated if anything happened to Rodney. He just hoped Rodney felt the same way. He shook himself out of those thoughts when Rodney hung up the phone and threw it across the room.

“Was that necessary? What’d the phone ever do to you?” John asked as he rubbed Rodney’s back soothingly.

“It took my sister’s calls.” Rodney mumbled into John’s chest.

John laughed. He seemed to be doing that more since he met Rodney, than he had years before combined. “So what do you want to do today? I have to go in to work at two, but I think I’ll call and get Lorne to cover for me. He owes me for a couple weeks ago.”

Rodney peeked up through his eyelashes and John was struck once again by how hot that was. “I don’t suppose you’d like to stay in today?”

Honestly John would love to stay in with Rodney and go at it like bunnies, but he had a duty to fulfill. “Nope. Let’s go to the mall.”

John should have expected it when Rodney jumped up to sit on the side of the bed, but it still surprised a yelp out of him. He sat up slowly and scooted to sit next to Rodney, slinging an arm around his waist.

“Come on, babe. We can go to the used video game store and pick up something. I know you’d like Elder Scrolls. We can get Morrowind and make fun of the terrible graphics, or we could get Skyrim and take some arrows to the knees. I’m sure you have an X-box around here somewhere. What do you say?”

“Don’t… don’t patronize me.” Rodney panted in fear, staring at his fidgeting hands.

“There’s the Rodney I know. Let’s go.” John squeezed Rodney tighter, hating himself for causing this but knowing it was for the best.

Rodney shook his head. “I-I don’t think I can do it, John.”

“I’ll be with you the whole time. If you need to get out of there, I’ll get you out. No problem.” John whispered into Rodney’s hair as he held the other man.

John pulled back to cup Rodney’s face and look into his eyes. “You just say the word and we’re gone.”

John saw the emotions flicker across Rodney’s expressive face, finally settling on resignation. “Okay, I trust you.”

“Great. Get dressed,” John smiled while he hated himself on the inside. So, basically nothing new.

******************************************************

Rodney spent the whole time in the taxi (John thought it would be better than the bus) plastered to his side, face buried in his neck and trying to breathe deep calming breaths. John had to keep him like that as they walked into the mall. Rodney tensed significantly when the sounds of echoing laughter and shouts reached their ears. John shushed him when he whimpered and ushered them to the game store. Luckily it was only a short walk from the entrance.

John nudged Rodney when they arrived, “We’re here. See, it wasn’t so bad.”

Rodney, with visible reluctance, lifted his head and stared at the shelves around them. John looked around with him. It wasn’t too open or crowded and he thought it was a good start to breaking Rodney out of his shell.

“Wow, it’s been years since I’ve been out anywhere but to see Teyla.”

John couldn’t help but wince at the mention of the therapist, but thankfully Rodney didn’t see it. “How you doing so far?”

Rodney glanced around the store, taking in the people browsing and making their purchases. “It… it feels like their staring at me.”

John shook his head when Rodney’s eyes landed on him. “No one’s staring at you, and even if they were, it’d be more ‘look at that hot guy’ and less ‘that guy’s funny looking’. Seriously Rodney, you look amazing.” And he did in his light blue button down and dark blue jeans. John licked his lips and continued, “I’ll be right here. If you feel like someone’s really bugging you, we’ll leave, okay?”

Rodney nodded and John grabbed his hand, dragging him deeper into the store.

************************************************

Forty minutes later, John had the feeling they would never leave. Rodney sat on the floor between two shelves, reading the backs of a stack of games as high as their waists. There had been a little bit of an incident early on when one of the employees had come over to see if they had needed any help, but John had deflected him and since then it had been smooth sailing. Rodney really got lost when he was reading.

John pulled out his phone to see the time and possibly make that call to Lorne, when he saw the blinking screen that meant he had a message. He cursed inwardly when he saw who it was from. The message read ‘call me with update, please’. Always so polite and formal, John thought as he bent down to get Rodney’s attention. “Hey babe?”

Rodney hummed, not looking up from his intense inspection of… John frowned and turned his head sideways to read the title. It was Fable III. John plucked it from Rodney’s hands.

“Hey, I was looking at that!” Rodney made grabby hands trying to get it back. John fought down the urge to tell Rodney he was adorable.

“Trust me, I’m doing you a favor. The only good part of this was the faux Dungeons and Dragons players and purely for their Monty Python references and the Condom of the Gods.” John thought for a moment, “Reaver was awesome too.”

At Rodney’s bewilderment, John said, “If you have to get a Fable game, get one of the first two. They’re way better.”

“Fine. Now what did you want?” Rodney asked, crossing his arms.

John put the game back on the shelf. “I have to make a call. Will you be okay here?”

Rodney’s big beautiful blue eyes got even bigger. “Here? You mean here by… by myself?” He squeaked, “but you promised that you’d be here.”

John sighed, hating himself. “I know but this is a very important call and I’d like some privacy. Nothing’s happened so far has it?”

Rodney shook his head weakly.

“I’ll be right in the bathroom near the back of the store if you really need me, okay?”

“O-okay.”

John smiled falsely, “Great.”

John got up and made his way to the back, pulling his phone back out as he went. She owed him big time for this.

***********************************************

“Everything is going great. We’re actually at the mall right now.” John said pacing.

There was silence for a moment then, _“You mean to tell me that he went inside? Of his own free will?”_

“Yeah, it wasn’t that hard. We’re picking up some games to take to his apartment and play.” He sighed, “Look Teyla couldn’t this have waited until Saturday? I was enjoying myself for once. I specifically remember you telling me to do just that.”

_“I did indeed, but when you had told me when we last spoke that you two were spending the day together, I became worried. I merely wanted to know what happened.”_

“It was great, now if you excuse me, I have a probably distraught Rodney to go deal with. I’ll see you on Saturday, Teyla.”

The sound of something clattering to the floor had him whipping around to find Rodney standing there looking shocked, a game case at his feet.

“Rodney, it’s not what it sounds like.” John reached out to him only to have Rodney flinch at his touch. Something in John withered at that.

“No, don’t touch me.” Rodney said, backing up, “Who are you really? Did Teyla hire you to hang out with me? Did you two have a good laugh at my expense?” The last was screamed and John could feel the darkness inside him threatening to overcome him.

John shook his head. It was all a misunderstanding and when he told Rodney everything would be fine. Rodney would want him, need him again. “No, I’m one of-“

“I don’t want to hear it.” Rodney said and bolted out of the door.

John chased after him, but when he made it outside, he caught sight of Rodney getting in one of the waiting cabs and he was gone.

“Fuck.”

*************************************************

Rodney told the cab driver where to go, too preoccupied with what he had overheard to even stutter. John knew Teyla. Teyla knew John.

“Wait, I changed my mind. Take me to 4587 Jefferson street.”

He was going to get some answers. And fire her while he was at it.

***************************************************

Rodney barged into Teyla’s office not even waiting for her assistant, Chuck, to let her know he was there. Thankfully he saw that she wasn’t with anyone. It probably would have made this a lot more awkward.

“What are you part dating service now?” He bellowed, crossing his arms and staring daggers right at her.

At least she didn’t play coy and pretend she didn’t know what he was talking about. “No Rodney I was simply-“

“No you don’t get to talk right now this is my turn. I sit here every week and endure your patronizing drivel just to have my life ruined. What kind of shrink are you?” He panted with anger, his hands clenching at his sides. He had thought John had liked him for who he was, but no, it looked like he was just another person laughing at him.

She folded her hands on the desk in front of her. “It is part of my treatment process for someone with your affliction. I simply chose a patient of mine that I thought was a good match to show you that people would enjoy your company if you only let them see you.”

“So you’re my pimp?” he said, throwing up his hands and plopping down onto the chair opposite her, “Shouldn’t I be getting paid, too?”

She frowned, “What do you speak of?”

“I thought we were dating!” Rodney yelled, slamming his fist on the table. She didn’t even flinch. Then softer, “He told me we were dating. We had- I gave him-“

Rodney hung his head in shame. He should have known someone like John would never give someone like Rodney the time of day. He felt her hand cover his.

“I simply asked him to meet you. Anything else was between the two of you. I am not responsible for any feelings that might have developed on either side. I informed John that he was not obligated to see you a second time if he did not wish it so.”

He looked up, hope filling his heart, “Does that mean that it was real?”

She smiled, “Yes, Rodney. John was very pleased at our last session. He spoke very highly of you.”

“What is he seeing you for?” John had seemed perfect to Rodney. He couldn’t think of one thing wrong with him.

“I cannot tell you that. It would be a breach of doctor patient confidentiality. You must ask him yourself and if he chooses to tell you, then it is up to him. And before you ask, I did not inform him of your condition either.” She sighed and squeezed his hand tighter, “He is good for you and you for him. Just look at how far you have come in such a short amount of time. The way you have broken out of your shell when you are with him… it is remarkable. Rodney, you went with him to the mall and enjoyed yourself when only weeks earlier you could not even go inside.”

Rodney scoffed, “It’s hardly an achievement.”

She shook her head, “For some no, but for you it is a dream come true. Just think about where you will be in a year’s time with John at your side.”

Hopefully still with John at his side, but, “I don’t think he’ll even talk to me after what I’ve said to him.”

“There is only one way to found out.” She let go of his hand and opened her desk drawer.

“I don’t even have his number.” Rodney said wondering what she was doing.

She pulled out a piece of paper. She scribbled something on it and handed it over. “Officially, I am not supposed to do that, but if you will not tell, neither will I.”

Rodney looked down to see series of numbers. He smiled, “Thanks, Teyla. You’re the best.”

She gave a slow smirk, “I know.”

**********************************************

The cab pulled up to Rodney’s apartment and he scrambled out, tossing a few bills at the driver. He saw a figure huddled on his doorstep and said, “I guess I don’t have to call you then.”

John leaped up and threw himself at Rodney, nearly tackling him to the sidewalk. “Please don’t go until I explain.”

Rodney hugged him back, “It’s okay, Teyla told me everything.”

John pulled back and gave him a funny look. “Everything?”

“She told me you were another of her patients and that you didn’t have to keep talking to me if you didn’t want to and that you really did like me and-“

“Rodney!” John shouted, interrupting.

“What?”

John sighed, “Let’s go inside to finish this conversation.

Rodney nodded and dug in his pocket for the key. He opened it door with shaking hands and waved John through.

As soon as the door shut, John turned, wary expression on his face. “So I guess I should tell you why I’m seeing Teyla.”

“You don’t have to.” Rodney said. Looking at Poe as he wound his way through their legs. He didn’t know if wanted to find out, though he realized John would still be the guy Rodney was in love with no matter what he found out.

“I may not have to, but I want to.” After a few tense minutes, John took a deep breath, “Okay this is harder than I thought, so I’ll just spit it out. When I was 18 I tried to kill myself.”

Rodney gasped trying to wrap his head around the thought that in several universes out there, there were Rodney’s without a John. He suddenly felt very sorry for those sad bastards. So what if they were probably more confident or cooler, they didn’t have John. “Why-?”

John held up his hand, “Just let me finish.” When he saw that Rodney wasn’t going to say anything else he continued, “I was in a bad place. I had depression, my father was pushing me to be someone I’m not and then it all came to a head when he found out I was gay. He called me disgusting and useless. Said that no one needed me and he wasn’t going to have me in his house anymore. He kicked me out and I lived on the streets for a few months.

“I cut one of my wrists with a piece of broken glass. I didn’t get to the other one before someone found me and called an ambulance. I spent three months in a mental hospital getting rehabilitated and they set me up with a program to help me go to school and get a job. They got me in contact with Teyla and I’ve been seeing her ever since.” John sighed, “I have some problems expressing myself too. I have a tendency of keeping it bottled up, but I’m working on it.”

“Oh John.” Rodney said, stepping forward and hugging John close. “And I thought _I_ was messed up.”

John let out a deep braying laugh and the tension seemed to flow out of them. John returned the hug. “You know how I said that I have problems expressing myself?”

“Yeah.” Rodney mumbled as cuddled into John’s chest.

“I know it’s only been a little while, but I feel like I’ve known you forever. I guess what I’m trying to say is… I love you.”

Rodney stopped breathing and he pulled back to look into John’s eyes. “You do?” He whispered, not wanting to believe his ears just in case it was wrong.

Rodney could see John swallow, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Yeah.”

“Oh thank god.” Rodney said. He reached up to plant a delicate kiss on John’s lips. “I love you too.”

**************************************************************

**Several years later**

“-and I’d like to thank my exceedingly hot boyfriend, John. Without him none of this would be possible. He showed me that I could overcome my fears and problems if I put my, admittedly huge, mind to it. Oh, and I have to thank my sister, because she’d kill me if I didn’t, so thank you for nothing, Jeannie.”

“So that’s it? Your infamous Nobel acceptance speech?”

Rodney snuggled closer to John on their bed, staring at the diplomas on their bedroom wall. John’s, but Rodney had finally gained the courage to enroll and soon his would join John’s. 

“Too arrogant?”

John chuckled and pulled him closer. “No, I think it’s perfect.”

**Author's Note:**

> So it took me three tries to post this. My computer kept crashing and it was my first time using HTML. At the end, I was ready to pull my hair out.


End file.
